what i do on a lovely tuesday night
tuesday nights are precious.

maggie and me is on channel 5 (it's a pretty good production)
kenneth chan's film screening is on every week
tuitions CAN be scheduled (meaning more moolah to be earned)
sleep (this can practically happen any time)

these are really good reasons, aren't they?
but what do i do on a precious tuesday night?

i pray.
YES, ALL THE WAY TO BOON KENG.
it's like a date with God, every tuesday.


i realized that prayer meetings gets me on track. it definitely helps my sanity when i have a crazy workload and serious issues with my complete lack of time. it keeps me clear-headed when i have decisions to make; i know i'll just have to bring it back to God everytime. it reminds me of the ephemeral nature of the world i am living in. it doesn't only recuperate my soul, it nurtures my body and nourishes my mind. i feel lighter everytime i step out of church (sometimes literal; yeah i pray for weight-loss when the need arises - it's so not working cos i think God likes me a little fleshy)!

it's a huge booboo if you think you can just rely on yourself 24/7. sometimes we need some help from the Higher Order and i get my dose on tuesdays. this prescription has got to be the best prozac ever.

colbie caillat
with a stroke of genius, my dear cousin, angie bought this nondescript cd from a shop which was playing her cd then. and oh, what a wonderful genius idea it was!

colbie caillat (pronounced as ker-leh) has amazing vocals and is awfully talented (she co-produced this album and basically wrote all the songs on it). her voice is a mix of husky and chill; it effortlessly peppers the different songs to perfection. what is especially pronounce in this album is her harmonising prowess. note PROWESS. it blows me off my seat all the time without fail! jason reeves' timely alto also enhances the already solid delivery.

i am so hooked on this album! not because it is so apt to my mood nowadays but because i truly appreciate this stunning artist when we have "singers" like britney spears, paris hilton or lindsay lohan on our radios these days. they poison our frequency with their singing, or the lack of.

here's my current favourite (yes, it changes!)"Realize":

BOO BOO x2!
other than:
1. wetting my bed at 16
2. slipping over vomit
3. sleeping on a stranger's shoulders when i slept on the train
4. wearing my shirt inside out
5. mistaking people (many!) for my friends
6. hanging out at ps with my invisible boyfriend, jack (now deceased, taken over by john)
7. accidentally squirting gold gel on someone's WHITE shirt
8. saying "engrish", "lomantic", "segret" (try engrish majeer)
9. peeing in the lift (and the drama after that!) when i was 7
10. winning the best TAF member in pri sch

i have never quite embarrassed myself, haven't i?!


BUT I TOTALLY EMBARRASSED MYSELF JUST NOW!
not once but twice! best lah, best lah.

i thought i had the most amazing experience on piano for 2040 service and was feeling gleeful. then i had this premonition that i would screw up for doxology. then i started fingering it on piano (cheri can totally vouch for it!) practicing while sp did the house matters. well, guess what?

I SCREWED UP DOXOLOGY.
best lah, best lah.

what's next. i sang for the special service (how would i know such things can spill over one another!!!!) and thought it to be quite good since the whole thing was about to end. and when we were singing the last song for worship, i THOUGHT i saw the chorus sign put up. guess i was WRONG when the other 3 vocalists were singing the verse!

I SCREWED UP SINGING!
best lah, best lah.

i know it's horrible to say it: but i felt joyful and peaceful throughout the entire boo boos. not because it's fun disrupting worship and appear garish in the face of good music but because i know that i am so inadequate. there is also a knowing that my mistake will not hamper the great work of God.

i feel annoyed but i am secretly confident that i will still do it ten times over for God.
yeah, i'll still do it for God.

i am a chinese chinese
i don't exactly have a thing for CNYs.

in fact, i dislike the festivity about the CNY, it's just too... red. too fussy and too forced. children are made to dress in ridiculously suffocating puffy dresses and smart pants. adults are (naturally, always) inclined to wear red, red things. for youths like us, we're always stuck in awkward situations in CNYs when you see your cousin (you've never seen this person before) and when your 3rd aunty's husband's sister's son gets into the gifted programme. chinese new year; it is indeed, very cheena.

asians have this certain way of expressing ourselves: we don't. i had actually wanted to put "asians have this certain way of expressing themselves: they don't". but oh, guess what? i am a true blue asian too. too true, too yellow, too cheena.

i wished i had blue eyes, blond hair and probably a stout nose bridge. there were times when i felt like a radical caucasian stuck in a horrible chinese body. there were moments when i look at the chinese and think how inferior we are. so many a times, i look down on the deep-rooted culture that the chinese would have; the language, the means of expression and the oh-so-red auspicious decorations around the house. it would be nice if i can just call my mom by her name, kiss goodbyes and be really frank about things.

yet, as i grow older i begin to appreciate things around me. i begin to appreciate being cheena. i begin to see the beauty of euphemisms. how our aunty would go one big round just to tell us she is proud of her terribly smart son. i begin to enjoy tracing the family roots of my insanely distant cousin and finding the connection.

being a chinese means more than being yellow and asian. it is about treasuring family ties and being closely knitted in a community who will truly accept you. it is a lot of bonding over food and home-made delicacies. it is about respecting your elderly, keeping in close contact with your cousins and being a good role model for the younger generations. being chinese is also a whole lot of history (which i know nuts about) and knowing that we've the longest and most deeply seeded cultures. it's about being cheena, and embracing it with pride and dignity!

so, every time, this time and this hour of the day, i would feel so blissful and pleased. because it is so heart-warming to embrace the warmth of our tradition which is to hold on to our family ties. we, chinese are probably intrinsically tuned to the "blood is thicker than water" idea that we share a love that transcends time, looks and wealth.

maybe it is the Age talking. but hey, my chinese family is the best.
i am a chinese chinese. and i love being who i am,





and will always do.

happy chinese chinese new year!