unabashedly me
the few days leading to today has been nothing short of thought-provoking.

chuan, est, angie and i just began our mentorship with teacher anne. this is one thing i have to give thanks cos she was God-given; God gave her to us at such a perfect timing when we are making decisions for our future and walking towards our destinies. her credible faith does makes this whole affair a sure help from God. of cos, having more time with my precious darling, aimee is an incentive.

point aside, we discussed many things on our first meet up which brought me to reflect on things that concerns myself. i used to have a good plan ahead of me, big dreams you would call it; boyfriend at 20, uni edu completion at 22, find a media-related job (the best deal - news anchor) right after, marry at 25 (to the same boyfriend i got attached to at 20, duh), first child at 27, second at 29, third at 31, fourth at 33 and fifth at 35. after which, excel so well in job that i head on overseas for long. of cos, live happily ever after with a gorgeous figure with five children and a lovely husband in toll. that was then. now, i am as clueless as a lark. a blind lark, at that! or in layman's English, i am as blur as a pregnant teenager. things are really, really not working.

first, i am completely convinced that i might not find a boyfriend simply because i am so GOOD FRIEND MATERIAL (boys like to tell me about their crushes, they really do!). whatever.
second, do you ever wonder why all cna news broadcasters speak in an american accent? these wicked market-spoilers speak like that! and what's the worst thing? I DON'T! (unless i had migrated over to the US when i was 7yr-old - because language acquisition occurs then - which is now IMPOSSIBLE! argh.)
third, a husband and five children needs to come after the first point (abdicated due to point one)
last, i just found out i am not living in fairyland.

it just seems that the older i grow, the more unsure and intangible my future is. scarily, it seemed to be slipping off my charge, dwindling off to my oblivion. there are times when i feel so broken because there seemed to be nothing i can look forward to. it does not help that i am an ambitious and a well-organized person!

however, this is not going to get me down. and seriously, i am not as anxious or stressed up as i may sound here. the hyperactive kick-ass chick is still in town. this is perhaps a vocalization of my stream of consciousness; something that needs to be confronted and dealt with before i move to the next level of maturity. of course, i know it is a process of how God would draw me closer to Him, a sure process to make me sensitive to His voice. these plans might not come to its realization but i am convinced of a better plan God has in store.

come to think of it, He might have revealed it to me already.